What Do You Expect?

Bad Words, Part Four

Unlike deserve and need, what you expect may not be verbalized as much. Sometimes, you may fail to realize you are holding on to expectations. Like deserve and need though, this is as much about thoughts as it is words. Remember, the Bible tells us to take every thought captive.

Before I get into the main part of the post, let me cover the normally innocent types of expectations. God has designed us to recognize patterns, and this allows us to do what is called inductive reasoning. If I get up from my desk right now and flip the overhead light switch, I will expect the light to come on and normally it will. When there is no pride involved, this expectation is not sinful.

There is also the covenantal/contractual type of expectation. This is like the exception I mentioned for deserve. If you and your employer agree that for a certain amount of work you will get a certain amount of pay, it is okay to expect to get paid. If you marry someone, it is natural to expect fidelity from them. It is perfectly fine to expect that God will always fulfill His promises, but it is not okay to expect them to always be fulfilled the exact way we want.

Expect, deserve, judging, and prioritizing wants as needs are all related

The expectations that get us in trouble are ones that come from pride. These are expectations we set on ourselves, others, and God. I cannot cover all three in this post adequately without it getting lengthy. For today, I am going to focus on the expectations we place on other people, or as I like to call them, relationship killers. While writing this, I am primarily thinking about close friendships, family members, marriages, and the relationship between you and your church.

Idealized expectations

To put it simply, idealized expectations stem from the notion that things will work out the way you want or feel you deserve. They can be formed from culture, entertainment, family, friends, and experiences. They can over-promise what you can provide and they over-demand what someone can consistently offer you. They rarely consider that circumstances change, trials will occur, and people are imperfect. They can be things like:

• Expecting that you and your best friend will always be this close. Instead, marriages and children start to take up their time.

• Expecting your church will always behave the way you think is right. Instead, they don't you when you need it, or you realize that we are flawed and imperfect.

• Expecting your family will be as tight as fictional stories you have seen or read or other families you know. Instead, they prioritize their lives and gaps form.

• One that causes many divorces is expecting the relationship that leads up to marriage and during the honeymoon phase will last. It may seem like you will get everything you ever wanted in a mate. Instead, the honeymoon phase runs out and the stresses of life and home dim the romance. Many people confuse this with falling out of love instead of working at it and allowing your love to mature.

  
  

Only God will never let you down. The rest of us will.

I do not want to paint a bleak picture here, but we should expect trouble. A loving relationship can be strengthened or weakened by tough times. If you hold on too strongly to idealistic expectations, it will lead to resentment. Resentment is like having termites in the foundation of your relationship. If left unchecked, eventually things will crumble and fall.

Eternity without sin and death will be perfect. This current life will always disappoint.

Sin corrupts everything, and our lives are headed toward death. Alcohol and substance abuse, sex before marriage, porn, health problems, accidents, wrong choices, financial problems, career problems, and family problems are just a few of the things that keep the ideal from ever happening. Our sin impacts us and those around us, while their sin impacts us. The impact might be felt for the rest of your life and beyond.

The Bible emphasizes love, grace, forgiveness, and humility within relationships. It also emphasizes contentment. These qualities are hard to cultivate when we're preoccupied with our own desires and expectations of how things "should" be.

Transactional expectations

Sometimes, when we realize things will not be our version of ideal, we begin a system of transactional expectations. These are easy to spot. This is when one or both parties keeps track of what they give and what they receive in the relationship. The expectation is that one party will get something back for what they give. Some may expect to get as much or even more than they give.

I call these expectations transactional because of 1 Corinthians 13:5. In the ESV, the very last word in the verse is resentful. In the CSB it ends in a phrase, "and does not keep record of wrongs." The word that is being translated is Logizetai. BDAG defines it as "to determine by mathematical process, reckon, calculate[1]"

The transactions can be positive or negative. The time you told your wife she didn't look her best in that outfit is a negative that may require an apology or other peace offering. If your wife spends two hours making your favorite dinner, she may expect you to do something on that list of stuff she wants.

Anything that you expect in return for your love, service, gifts, time, help, or anything else at all is a transactional expectation. This includes expecting someone to have enough manners to say, "thank you."

Sometimes the bitterness boils over and you decide it is time to confront the person who owes you. The danger is that you are creating obligations. If my friend sends me a birthday card for three years and then confronts me because I am not sending them one, I now feel obliged. If I send them one, how can it be a pure act of friendly love? I may even feel like the only reason I am getting a card is so that I send one.

You might be thinking about the Scripture that tells us how to confront another disciple that sinned against us. Keep in mind that it must be a biblical definition of sin, and it must be done in humility and love as soon as possible.

The transactional expectation can really get out of hand when you test your friend, family member, or spouse. Have you ever not called someone for a period just to see how long it takes for them to call you? That is just giving yourself more ammunition to judge them unworthy. If they get a sense of it, or you tell them, it will probably backfire and make them want to talk to you less. See Matthew 7:2.

Be thankful if you have a relationship that, if calculated, appears to be completely lop-sided in their favor. This tests your ability to love in the 1 Corinthians 13 way, the way Jesus loves us even though He gives exceedingly more than He gets. You won't be able to do it on your own. You need the Holy Spirit.

Hopeless expectation

There is another type of relationship killing expectation, and that is one that assumes everything will end badly or that they deserve to be miserable. No matter how much they want healthy and happy relationships, they often struggle in them or sabotage them and seek dysfunctional ones. If you or anyone you know has tendencies like this, Christian counseling is needed.

Grace is the antidote to expectation

We often think of grace as something we only get from God. However, if our lifelong goal as disciples of Christ is to become like Him, then it is also our goal to give grace to others.

Grace is receiving something even though you didn't earn or deserve it. When love and acts of love in a relationship are exchanged as an act of grace, it becomes unconditional. Both parties should be humbled by what they receive. This deflates the mindset of keeping score and getting what we want or think we deserve.

Grace continues to give when a person has been wronged or feels they have been wronged. This is helped by choosing NOT to be offended. I won't lie to you. It is easier, at least for me, not to be offended by someone I barely know. It is harder when they are in my inner circles. I believe that as we draw closer to God, we will care less about what others think and care most about what He thinks.

Sometimes grace needs to be extended to yourself. As I mentioned earlier, if you struggle with this, please seek Christian counseling.

This post, as the other in this series, is hard to write and hard to read because my pride wants to defend me. It wants to tell me I am justified to expect something, or it wants to tell me what others have expected from me is worse than what I have done. I say this to myself and you; we are expected to do the right thing even when everyone else around us might do the wrong thing.

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[1] William Arndt, Frederick W. Danker, Walter Bauer, and F. Wilbur Gingrich, A Greek-English lexicon of the New Testament and other early Christian literature, 2000, 597.

Scripture used or considered in the writing of "What do you expect" by RD Montgomery

Psalm 64:1-6

Psalm 130:3

Proverbs 3:5-6

Proverbs 18:4-9,21

Matthew 6:33

Matthew 7:1-5

Matthew 13:24-30

Matthew 18:23-35

Luke 6:37-42

Acts 20:35

Romans 6:23

Romans 8:1-4

1 Corinthians 4:1-7

1 Corinthians 6:7

1 Corinthians 7:2-5

1 Corinthians 13

1 Corinthians 10:24

2 Corinthians 10:5

Ephesians 2:8-9

Ephesians 4:31-32

Philippians 4:11

1 Timothy 6:6-12

James 1:17

James 3:2-12